Ok, first things first. In this phase, where I am going through what I am going through, you really suck. I mean really, I do not understand whether to rejoice or to mourn. Over what? I’ll get to that later, let us first just revisit the chronology of our companionship.
We met at a couple’s place who were struggling to make their ends meet and at the same time planning meticulously to make my stint with you worth every moment. Because they came from extremely humble beginnings, their focus was primarily on education. Somehow they had envisioned that the future belonged to the educated. And thus began our endless toil to achieve what no one had achieved in the entire clan. You and I have seen it all together. How Dad turned into a fanatic in his endeavor to make me excel at academics; how Mom made the best of her lower middle-class resources to create an environment congenial to our learning. While we were still taking baby steps towards fulfilling what the parents had set out to achieve we were met with our own reflection in the form of my kid sister. Given the society we breathe in, with a boy lacking in our family my parents’ resolve to create the most capable sample of a girl duo strengthened. The marathon in your tracks had begun.
It was a journey with hard-word and achievement walking hand-in-hand.
The parents were mostly very practical and realistic in expecting us to study well and grow up to be financially independent girls.
When most of my girl friends in the neighborhood were chilling I was working incessantly to gain a professional qualification. My efforts bore fruits and I joined the sea of IT professionals earning a 5 digit salary.
The parents seemed very happy and contended with their efforts and mine. But I felt something was amiss. So many like me were striving to study further, but I felt tied down for lack of support and encouragement from the parents. Along came my first big rebellion against my support system. It was a long struggle to prove that I could do a lot more than they could imagine. Remember those times when it was just you and me; me and you in isolation with numerous doubts about the decisions we were making, fear of failure and the anxiety of getting lost in the myriad of barriers on our way to success. We had our share of sorrows too, sometimes at the hands of the decisions that resulted in materialistic losses and at other times at the hands of the heart that bled for friends who did not really deserve it.
You tricked me into falling in love with a person who was seemingly just like me but actually came from an absolutely different world. I was welcomed into his world by sets of open arms whose count was like fifty times that of those in my world. Thereafter began another kind of struggle to keep intact the work-life balance. I came to a family who had never had an earning female member before, thus there was this constant pressure to justify why I was toiling so hard when I really didn’t need to. I was always being pulled by bi-polar forces. On one hand was my new family who wanted me to take it easy with you and on the other hand was my sense of obligation towards the sense of purpose instilled in me by my parents.
For five years after my marriage which included 2 years after I had my first kid, it felt as if you and I were out to prove something to the world.
I had just found some satisfaction in my arrangements with you when you decided to play a spoilsport. I was now going to have my second kid! I received ample signals from all directions that now I would have to give all my priorities a backseat and make my kids the whole and sole of my existence.
For a couple of months now, I have given up whatever I had learnt and was groomed for all my life. For a long time, it has pained me to no extent that the life I live now has no roots in whatever I lived for earlier. But when I see my toddler and his little sibling, I feel breathless at the wonders that I have created. I understand beyond any doubts that I am responsible for these two little lives on this earth and find the idea to be extremely creepy. It has eventually sunk into my conscience that the circle of life is being re-invented. That I am the chosen one to shape up my kids’ relationship with you. And that’s the reason for my mixed feelings towards you. You’ve brought me to the cross-roads where I realize that I have nothing to prove to the world now. Whatever is left for me to do is to play the role of a mother to two cute little creatures on this earth. Yet I am aware of the hollow space in my soul that yearns to be more. I intend to keep the pain of that hollowness fresh and alive until I find that piece of the jig-saw lying with you that will fit-in and complete my soul. Untill then there’s this love hate relationship with you.
Note: I am writing a letter to life for the #DearZindagi activity at #Blogadda